Over the last week through conversations with friends and people reading my blog, I have come to the conclusion that I have made divorce sound a little too fabulous. Although my journey has been a time of self-discovery and great learning,I am simply playing with the cards I have been dealt…..making the best of a difficult situation…..creating a mosaic with the broken pieces of my life.
In all honesty, divorce is the hardest thing I have ever had to do - - it’s like a death - - like losing your best friend because of a fight - - because of issues that could not be resolved. Divorce brings feelings of loneliness and frustration - - feelings of being unwanted….of being a trinket that is casually tossed away….easily forgotten. No matter if you were the one to leave or the one wanting to stay, there is a grievious moment (or moments) of realizing the person you were going to love forever has moved on with his life…that your relationship will never be fixed…that it is done….forever. Before the divorce…..during those last moments of marriage this moment seems to be one of glorious freedom…..in reality…it’s like taking a bite into a beautiful fruit and realizing you have a mouthful of rotten, spoiled, nasty fruit……and you want to hurl.
Many people who are married and who are unhappy see divorce as a way to become happy….a way out…..to be themselves….to be fulfilled…to finally find “the one.” I submit to you that if you are unhappy and unfulfilled when married…….you will become an unhappy and unfulfilled divorcee -- that is unless you do some real work on the inner you and see what you need to change in yourself…..but those things take time and, in my opinion, happen as a way of survival from the trials of the divorce process.
Divorce is lonely. There are so many times I want my old life back. As I sit on my couch this Sunday morning, my eyes tear up as I think about how different things are now….. I just got home from going to church….alone….again. My son is gone on spring break so the house is quiet….again. There is no one to fix Sunday morning breakfast for….there is no one to wake up to and plan our day… My house is quiet….so I am never home. My fabulous girlfriends and amazing guy friends are a tremendous source of joy and support…..but I can’t exactly snuggle with them on the couch on a Saturday night.
I have built a good life….one full of friends, social activities, learning, joy and happiness. At this point, my X is a stranger….someone I don’t have a true connection with - nor do I really want to. I wish I could have talked to that independent, impulsive, passionate young woman who was newly married…..I wish I could have taught her how to be a good wife….a good partner…..a good listener….a good friend to her husband. I wish she would have learned those lessons before the bitterness set in…..before the hurt….before the Grand Canyon was created.
Yes, I have spent a lot of time creating the life I have always wanted - - but I would give anything to have spent that same time and energy creating the life I always wanted with my husband. I don’t write about these things much because I honestly don’t want to dwell on what could have been….on what I don’t have. Holding my marriage together after the affair was not an option I was given…..so I am playing with the cards I was dealt…..sitting on the edge of my seat hoping that my hand is a winning hand…..I’ve bet all I have…it’s sitting there on the table. Each hand that I win creates a bigger stack of chips for me….enables me to take more and more risk. Sometimes I win….sometimes I loose…..but I am determined to keep playing…even when the stakes are high.
Divorce is not fabulous……but it is not the end of the world…..
2 comments:
Divorce is no picnic, but the divorced diva is awesome. She's glamorous, fun-loving, witty, hard-working and tirelessly devoted to being the best.
It's hard to separate the drama from the mama, the tragic past from the joyful gal, but anyone who knows Becky knows she is more than a watershed event. Be proud that you are fabulous! Keep on blogging.
Robby, I am honored by your comments - - thank you so much!
You are right in that we are all so much more than the moments that challenge our lives.....although I do want to share my struggles, I do not want to be "defined" by them and have them be part of my identity.
I am an avid card player (love Canasta - they played that in Texas didn't they) and know full well that your hand may not look all that great in the beginning, but if you play your cards right, you can still come out lookin good.
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